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it's been six months since i posted...

a lot of things has happened...

My perspective has changed quite a bit about the City of Flowers.  I learned that particular community is full of angry people.  The particular person who called me a junky obviously is dealing with serious anger management issues.  I became so angry that it became unbridled.  I turned it on myself, the perpetrators, and bystanders.

I was able to forgive one person involved in the whole stinking mess because I realized that I was just their punching bag of the moment.

Ever since I moved to NYC, I had to face a lot of things.   While my mother was supportive of my conversion; the rest of her family is not.  Her brothers and sisters refused to visit her now because I am there.  Not only did I marry a white man; I had the nerve to marry a Jewish one. I have not spoken to my uncles and aunts since I returned.  I am seen as a traitor.   They have yelled at me because I did not call them if my mother had to go to the hospital on Shabbos.  They are the only family I have.  I haven't spoken to my father's family since his death when I was 18 years old. My mother is very ill.  Thankfully, she has a home attendant to help take care of her.  I feel very guilty that my mother had to give up her family for me.

The other thing is that I made a very important decision about conversion.  2008 was by far the most difficult year of my life.  In December, I found out two people I cared about passed away.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back.  After years of struggling, I decided to give up.  My husband is really upset.  

I am tenacious to a fault. I will kick and scream until my limbs are bloodied. At this point, I am done. I have to be able to embrace this. I tried to convert for a really long time. Longer than i should have. After weighing the pros and cons; I decided that conversion is not worth it.  I am dealing with full-blown anxiety attacks every time I pass a shul.  Obviously, that means that I constantly feel like I'm having a heart attack.

That community put this goy in her place and I am so grateful for that!   I lost so much that I can't get back: my family, my sense of peace/sanity; many friends. I am more upset at the time I wasted.  I could have been living instead of torturing myself with some romantic notion. I think the lesson I learned is that I can be o.k. with failure.  Now I can get on with my life.  Of course, that means there are going to be serious fallout from this post.

I would like to thank everyone who have read this blog for your kindness and support.  Please don't try to convince me to change my mind.  I am dealing with that offline already.  

Be well!


Get a grip!

I haven't posted in a while.  I moved away from the City of Flowers.  Now, I'm back home and in certain respects I traded one hell for another.

Basically, I caught one of the flower faeries in a major whopper.  Turns out that they did lie and covered Junkyman's butt.  I cut and pasted and forwarded it to the community rabbi and demanded an apology from each and everyone of those lying, snotty brats.

Guess what he told me?

That I moved from the community months ago and that I "should get a grip."  He went on to say that while the community liked my husband, they had a problem with me.

Hmm... let me get this straight?  I should let go of my anger and suffer in silence because that's the praiseworthy thing to do.  I thought this attitude was shortsighted and cruel.  I caught the community with their tznius clothes around their ankles and they can't face how ugly they acted.

The rabbi refuses to face how he slapped me in the face numerous times.  The community at large tries to shift the blame on me all the time.  There's no way one can sanitize calling someone a "junky" in a community setting.  A recurrent phrase the flower sprites say is that I should look at myself and that I didn't reach out enough.  Pray tell, what's the correct number of times one should reach out and get kicked in the teeth?

I think the community had a problem with me because I refused to kiss their asses.  I was very angry and they found that offensive and threatening.  A angry black woman is a very frightening prospect for the sheltered.

You didn't want me in your community, fine.  Why waste your energy and slander my family up and down the East Coast?  And I'm the one that needs to get a grip?!

Anger is too important to leave behind. There is no way in hell I am going to allow the rabbi and his community to tell me – that I'm wrong for being angry.  I refuse to let the sprites take away my anger.  They tried to control how I felt.  The rabbi is still trying to tell me what is right and wrong for me to feel.  Well, guess what City of Flowers?  I don't appreciate the slimy tactics you're pulling.

As for me, I going to roll around in my anger until I'm good and ready.  I'm going to embrace it and direct it to the people who hurt me and not direct it towards myself.  Don't ask me for forgiveness because I will laugh in your face.

Conversion in hell!

Well it's been almost a month since I left the City of Flowers...  I have to tell you that I'm glad that I'm home.

I'll get back to that in a sec, here's a disturbing post from The Canonist re: EJF from awhile back.

That's old news, but what caught my attention was this response.

First thing I thought was...
My heart broke for this person... I was sobbing so hard.  I could have written this myself. 

Additionally, I would have added that sometimes other gerim are worse than FFB's.  They had to deal with crap and will stomp you into the dirt.  Just to make sure that you know your place. 

I cried and cried after reading this.  Because, I know, it's true in some communities.  I lived in this kind of gehonim that posed as an open Jewish community for eight months of my life.   That community felt that publicly humiliating my family on a weekly basis was justified.  Eight months of my life that is gone forever.   

Then again, I'm young.  What scares me is that I see no way out.  I keep finding stuff that leads me further and further away.  I wonder all the time if I will ever find a community that I will feel at home in.  Every time I walk near a shul, I feel terrified and sick to my stomach.  All those horrific memories hit me like a "Nam flashback!"

I don't think I have any other choice.
There's been this thing circulating around about Eternal Jewish Family.

Rumors have been flying around that EJF is nullifying conversions en masse.

Here's EJF's response to the allegations!

Oy, oy, oy...
Swiped from kmelion!

Rabbi says deaf 'ineligible for conversion'

The court's reasoning was that since the Halacha says that "one who is deaf, one who is young and one who is a simpleton shall be exempt form ordinance," the woman in deemed incapable of observing mitzvahs, thus incapable of accepting the burden of ordinance, which is the cornerstone of conversion.

I guess she's damaged goods...  Haven't these guys heard of ASL?  What about people who are born Jewish?  Are they not Jewish enough?

In that line of thinking, then women can't convert because we are exempt from certain mitzvahs as well. 

It's a slippery slope fellows!


Starting the wheels in motion...

imported from personal log.... (2/17)

I loathe moving. I honestly do.

I think I have to begin investigating different communities post Pesach.

Or I should do preliminary look sees between Purim and Pesach. Which I think will be impossible. I strive to do Pesach cleaning right after Purim so I think hospitality would be problematic.

Any suggestions? Questions I should ask?

In terms of local, Yonkers seems to be attractive because:

1. It's in NY. So that's close to my mom and most of my friends.
2. Multiple shuls to choose from.
3. A day school in the city. (and two others to choose from)
4. Autism resources are so much better in NY.

The only thing is that it's a little pricey. However, DH is in the market for a new job anyway so there you go.

Some people may feel it's selfish for me to uproot Sage yet again. Unfortunately, I think it's a matter of time before someone in the shul disrespects me in from of my child. Or g-d forbid, the kids start messing with him. Sage already got into a confrontation with one of the kids when the threatened to deface his kippa so he punched them in the face.

My goal is to get out of here by August.

Looking back, it's amazing how dead on I was. Now one particular child in the City of Flowers is picking on DS and getting away with it.

DS cried about how he has no friends. I can't say that he avoids that kid because that child plays with everyone else. Unfortunately, money talks. It doesn't matter if you're a nice person. If you're poor, something is wrong with you. You are worthless and that's it! I have been called so many names. Humiliated so many times... going to shul is soul-crushing.

The rabbi gave this wonderful speech on Shabbos. I think the situation has spiral so far out of control I don't know what to do except leave.

I hate myself for moving to the City of Flowers. I've lost friends/acquaintances, respect for my husband/myself. I've become embittered, cynical and angry.

I also went to went to the OU: Emerging Communities Conference. A lot of communities we were interested in...

Unfortunately, we were either priced out or can't move there because we are sans car.

So, I'm fighting to hold back the tears as I type this... I'm so tired of everything. It's horrible to feel like trash. I don't want to be a broke loser anymore so I went back to work despite being ill. I'll do what I have to do to escape from the City of Flowers.

Never again...


More conversion stupidity

Ah....things are becoming crysyal clear. i don't dare discuss the latest stupidity in the City of Flowers.

All i can say is that i'm spitting mad that once again I'm in the line of fire. I just endured a tongue lashing from the rabbi over something stupid. I try to be nice and I get slapped in the face.

I thought cannbalism is forbidden?! Because I feel like I'm up on a spit!

Hashem help me puhlease!!!!!!!!!!

Hi all! First official post.

I don't have much time to do a formal intro. Some of you may know me from my personal blog. What I would like to do is to open up the comments field.

I posted some links regarding conversion and general info about Judaism.

Feel free to post other sites that you found useful!

Kol Tuv,

Devar Torah (Parsha Shmos)

inspired by The Process of Assimilation and yet again Rabbi Wein!

I've been quite the prolific writer.  I'm looking forward to Shabbos.  This week I"YH I will be going to shul. I need it in order to strengthen myself for my upcoming neurological appointment on January 2nd. I'm a little frightened but that's to be expected.

I have been thinking of my paternal grandmother lately.  She died a good 30 years previous to my birth.  I never met her.  I was named after her.  From what I've been told, I'm the spitting image of her.

The Name Game While Digging in the Dirt!Collapse )

Although, ILs are the poster children of assimilation, they still stuck to certain things.  There's a saying, "man makes plans, G-d laughs."  My MIL was certain her grandchildren would be Jewish.  Until DH met me.  I honestly feel that when DH married me it broke her heart.  She saw her Judaic line coming to a screeching halt.  I find it funny that DH was very assimilated when he met me and I was the one dragged him back to Judaism.   Hashem has the ultimate plan.  I have no clue what that is but I'm trying to give everything to him.

Devar Torah (Parsha Vayechi)

inspired from Rabbi Wein's weekly parsha page that our shul prints out.

"The best lie is the truth." - Yiddish saying

I've been reading on my f-list about people being banned from family events or dealing with other forms of rejection by family members. Much of this trouble stems from someone have the guts to confront familiar dysFUNction.

Now here's the question posed by DH:
Quick answer - Is it better to keep your mouth shut and be accepted by a family that is crazy as all hell?

Or would you rather say the truth and be blackballed for it?

Rabbi Wein states, "Truth needs no follow-up. It stands on its own for all eternity."

Campfire storyCollapse )

See that's crux of the whole thing... once the truth is out you can't lock it back up in a box.

I think the thing that attracts me to Judaism is the endless pursuit and vindication of truth.

Unfortunately, many people are attracted to the warm comfort of the lie. Otherwise, why would most people get angry/defensive when confronted with the truth about themselves. Myself included.

For example, the first time I went to my ILs home... BIL/SIL were there. MIL said something so horrific to SIL in front of me. When I told DH about it, he was shocked. Afterward, we had a family meeting with ILs, BIL, DH, and I (SIL refused to come.) That was the first of many unproductive family meetings.

MIL made excuses about how SIL is just not her "kind of person" and that essentially she deserved to get called names. BIL got angry that I would dare accuse his precious parents of being sick and horrific. BIL refused to believe MIL would say such a thing to his wife even as MIL admitted to it right in front of him. DH began to see his parents as people with serious problems.

Were they happy getting the blanket getting ripped off? No. BIL/FIL consider me the troublemaker of the clan - How dare this WOMAN tell us we're dysFUNctional! After all, I'm only a woman.

Now as I'm going through the conversion process and DH is on the BT track, things are getting uglier and uglier. The more DH learns about Judaism and it's intricacies... my ILs are getting more and more distant, cold, and downright nasty. DH told me that now he feels my ILs hate his increase in observance as much as they hate my BIL. He's terrified of losing his family.

DH is sickened by the fact is this is an all too real possibility. What shocked both of us is his response to the question that he posed... He said he would rather be blacklisted than be accepted by the loony clan.

It's amazing how in the span of living here a couple of months broadened his perspective on life. Now this doesn't mean he's not going through angst about it. Nor negate the feeling of crushed like a bug under his parents shoe. What is does mean is that he acquired a strength of purpose that he never had before. I was already strong-willed in certain respects...now DH has become stronger during my illness.

Even though I'm physically weakened, DH and I have become a little more spiritually strengthened.

So to all my peeps who feel like they are on the eight ball careening towards the hole in the side pocket I say "chazak" - be strong.

The truth will triumph even if we get whacked in the process!

ETA: Edited to correct the various misspellings. As for the grammar, it's going to have to stay the way it is until some folks on my f-list who have better grammatical skills let me know what I flubbed on :-)